Epilogue

For over 18 months I couldn't get back into my email that was associated with this page. This morning I decided to attempt to get back into this page. Obviously I succeeded.

I struggle with how to describe where I'm at 3 years after my experience with Bill. It was a bizarre, bittersweet couldn't make it up if I tried type of experience. I'm in a good place but, the experience changed me. When I called the church to express my condolences what I had expected Bill to say was "Kate thanks for calling. I got to get back to my family." It seemed to me that the lady who answered the phone at his childhood Church must have remembered the sweet down friendly caring Bill. She was so enthused to reconnect us.!  I am heartbroken but, grateful for the trip down memory lane. The hardest part of all is the fact is outside of my mother Bill was the only other person I had shared memories of my father with. My four older siblings were married with lives of their own.  Three times Bill told me ever so proudly he worked 12-hour days mostly 7 days a week for 20-25 years so he could retire early at 55. Each time he said that all I heard was I neglected my former wife and children for 20-25 years so I could retire early I'm so proud of that. That was quite shocking to me. I spoke to my pastor about it and he said that after a death people do strange things. I spoke to a retired co-worker who was a maintenance man like Bill had been . He said he'd spoken to a lot of people like that. For some people there's a three-year let down so to speak. For others they stopped working for a year and they don't know what to do with their self and they go back to work. For others they're never quite the same again. I googled emotionally unstable shortly after things ended with Bill. I didn't want to hear that he had a split personality or multiple personalities. I read about  the rapid speech, the pitch changes and the dramatic mood swings that I'd experienced firsthand where indicative of someone who is emotionally unstable. There are about a half a dozen potential causes but,  when you work long hours for several years at a time that burns up your serotonin which controls your mood.  A sudden tragic death can bring on emotional instability and some people that go through that are never quite right ever again. I also learned about helicopter moms and I firmly believe after dad passed away that's what happened to my mother. My pastor and I spoke about that and he said...and I agree with it....helicopter moms mean well. They have great intentions but, in the end they're very destructive. They rush ahead to fix everything and make everything perfect. l don't have a beautiful closing but I can tell you that the trip down memory lane was very healing. I started locking in all my vacation every year because it was very obvious in my conversation with Bill that he hadn't taken any of his and I didn't want to become like him. The last two years I've spent probably more time at the cabin that  my family and I built when I was 3 years old than I have in the last 25 years leading up to it. I ve enjoyed it the most I have since about four years before my dad passed. I'm the calmest I've been since before my dad made me his power of attorney when he was dying of cancer and I got up 3 times during the night to get him situated. And came home in the middle of the day to help him get dressed for radiation treatment and went back to work, came home and sat with him & talked with him. For years I had wondered what happened to that person I was beforehand and a how do I become her again. To this day I have never forgotten coming home from work and answering the phone in an age where answering machines weren't the norm yet. My mother said " I knew if I kept calling sooner or later you would pick up the phone. Something  has happened to your Dad.  We need you to come up to Edgerton community hospital. Do you know where that is? We need you to sign a couple of papers. I remember signing the power of attorney papers. I was 25 years old and the youngest of five children. I recall signing it and thinking to myself I'm not sure I'm ready for this. It was the greatest honor but the most difficult  responsibility you will have to assume. Dr Hogarth told me in January 2017 I didn't have to worry about supplemental oxygen probably till I'm sixty. I found out where my 5th grade language arts teacher lives and sometime in the not-too-distant future Mrs. Deeg is going to get a beautiful bouquet of flowers! Triumph the cat got renamed Trinity and she's the most beloved cat in the world. Right now is not the season for my tails trails and tales website...however I believe in the not-too-distant future it will come back to life. The biggest reason I wanted the website was it would force me to spend more time outside to hunt,fish  and  the trap. Christmas 2017 I bought myself a snowmobile and today I go look at a four-wheel drive quad. I am thankful Bill reminded me how much I used to dearly love to hunt. In February I have my first hunt scheduled to Texas for javelina and wild hog. In conclusion I believe my dash has improved.

Poker Hands & Crossroads Part 2

I will never forget him saying with great pride "I worked 12 hr days mostly 7 days a week for twenty to twenty five years!". I was never sure if he was dealing with a miss handled poker hand or reached a crossroads. Partly he was dealing with a poker hand but, part was by mental warfare by outside parties who were poorly educated. Myself 25 years ago my Dad passed away and at the time I thought I made a good decision to return to college 4 months after he passed.I was Fathers co caregiver. Got up 3x a night to get him situated, came home at 11am to dress him for radiation treatments, went back to work, came home and fed and/or sat with him, did all the shopping and med pick ups. I think with inflation his med copays today would be around $750 - 850 dollars a month. Took money to my Moms best friend to pay for a winter coat for my Mom (I knew Noreen was the one person who could talk Mom into running down mainstreet naked but wouldn't) told her to say she wanted to buy her a winter coat (all Mom had to wear in December was an unlined leather jacket). We couldn't afford Mom to get sick or Dad would likely not been able to live his last months at home with some semblance of normalcy. It was a choice to return to college so soon after Dads passing that today I regret. Life is full of choices and we don't always recognize till decades later that it was. Hence the poker hand analogy.

I learned a lot about mental health issues as a result of my interaction with Bill. I also saw myself having made similar choices to his that I concluded weren't particularly healthy. Last July my part time boss and I had a discussion about me not going to work fulltime for him. He brought up pressing the pause button and I guess I took it to heart. Bills behavior was very confusing and unerving. The last thing he said to me was "Everybody wants." I spent my time very differently the last year. The end result was I found that calmness I had wanted but, seemed to allude me for 25 years. I spent endless hours at the cabin my family built on land that has been in my family 98 years. I enjoyed it the most I had in 30 years despite owning it 25 years.

There is no nice way to say this but, I suspect his behavior is compliments of GM UAW. Not all UAW's are equal. I have lost all the friends I had that went to work for GM. I have never once lost a friend who went to work for Fiat Chrysler. My next truck will be a dodge or a jeep. Fiat Chrysler UAW knows how to butter their bread!

Aside from Bill sells his soul to win the world. There are a couple of other interesting and funny realizations, experience and adventures to share. When Dad was dying one day he turned to me in his hospital bed and looked me square in the eye and said "Kate, if I'm not here next year will you make sure the duplex is painted?" All I could think of at the time is all I want Dad to worry about is fighting the cancer. Without a second thought looked him square in the eye and unflinchingly said "Yes, I will Dad." It never hit me I had a brother and three BIL's at the time who he could have asked but, didn't. For a man born in 1923...that is a powerful testimony! I also got the hollowed out black walnut tree taken down that he was always worried about falling on the house, snowshoed to cabin to recover 2 guns my oldest sister and brother were willed and drove down to Arizona to help Mom get situated in the condo they had bought sight unseen the summer before.

As I spent more time in the woods at the 70 I realised why I went to school for agriculture. It's because I love all living things, the outdoors and I am an outdoors women through & through! I walked downstream one day crusing for dead, diseased and blown down trees for heating the cabin and cooking maple syrup. I glanced across the creek at the hillside and was blown away by the beauty of the woods I had forgotten. I decided I wanted to explore the 30 acres on the other side of the creek I hadn't walked on in 20 years. I decided to buy a gps. Bought that day before opening gun deer season. Took all my vacation this year as vacation (neither Bill or I ever took vacation). I picked up a 1986 Yamaha Moto 4 w/ reverse for my friends who are 65 & 70 I had invited up to get in n out the 1.2 miles to cabin. In the end it proved to be quite the godsend to me. My coworker told me I could coast it down hill and throw it into gear to make it start if I wanted to. Having a lot of fun with that. Me and my llewellin setter spent most of the fall at the cabin. Even during the week. Got more done kept feeling better and better about the state of the cabin. And she didn't mind the eggs for breakfast with Mom or that the wheeler made it easy for me to keep up. She and I had a little routine. She got up, I let her out, left door open, go for a romp, come back for a drink, go for another romp, comeback and crawl back in bed to snuggle with me. She sure has a rough life doesn't she! : -)

Two days before opening gun deer season started looking around for a crossbow in muddygirl print. In the process found one by a mfg I didn't know made one. Better bow, better price. Experienced deer fever for the first time in 22 years. Amazed!! Will not be running for supervisor for mutiple reasons. Staying at my current employer simply due to the amount of time off a yr Ihave reached. My buddy David and I couldn't come to agreement on where to elk hunt so instead will be hunting TX, NM,CO & OK. I also am going to try to fit in MI,MN & NY hunting this next year. I believe my metric century days are behind me and my adventuring days are ahead of me. I may try the keto diet. I have a few friends on it pleased with the results.

Sunday night I visited with a buddy. He's done 3 tours of duty in Nam. He's 68 yrs old and by the end of the four hours I realised Bill and I are polar opposites. He's boarder line courageous and I'm boarder line fearless. I come from a long line of dreamers, darers and doers! My great great uncle launched the cyclone motorcycle (which was ahead of his time), my great grandfather followed the gold rush to Colorado amongst other daring feats, my Dad with a buddy at 18 built a diving helmet and my cousin on my Mothers side owns a clothing company. Why wouldn't I dare to dream???

I bought a website for business purposes called Tailstrailsandtales.com on my way to work Friday. I have 3 different businesses in various levels....incubation, midway and active right now. The website will be a catchall for now. 

Keep seeking knowledge, don't give up and keep hoping!

Poker hands & Crossroads (part 1)

I had not realised just how long it had been since I had last poste so it looks like I have a lot of ground to cover. I will start with Horribly Hilly, National conference and heat exaustion. The Horribly Hilly Hundreds truely lived up to it's name. I wish I could have spoken to more participants but, they moved me from serving beverages to serving food. There were a few seasoned metric century participants that said they would never do it again. One of them had already completed 4 metric century before HHH. I was struggling with heat exhaustion even though all I was doing was dishing out beans. Later in the summer I broke down and cut my long hair due to struggling with heat exhaustion at work.

I had looked forward to attending the first alpha1 national conference in 10 years all spring however when I got there what I experienced and what I anticipated were quite different. I went to Loews for Saturday morning and sat down to breakfast. I didn't realise till I sat down at the table that Lorena from Indianapolis was there. What shocked me was she was on oxygen and only said good morning. More so that she was struggling with supplemental oxygen. During all the many alpha1 events I had attended in the past she had always been talkative and quite jovial. I then went into the exhibit hall and noticed that more people had passed away that I knew than I realised. I sat down at lunch with over a half dozen alphas.

I will set the view and share the story: Len Geiger (our celebrity bilateral lung transplanty and well known alpha1 speaker) was standing at 6 o'clock a the ajoining table to the left. At the next table Ric & Angela Logsden were at 11 and 12 o'clock (Ric an Alphanet coordinator). Dave Courtney (an alpha support group leader and bilateral lung transplant recipient) is sitting at 9 o'clock. Mike Hixom (alphanet coordinaor) is sitting at 4 o'clock and a couple from Shire are at 1 and 2 o'clock (she is an alpha and her husband is the rep sitting next to her. So we all are pretty well versed. I begin the conversation "You reach your saturation point." Which you can take several ways. I said "I have spent the last 10myears worrying that I had insurance to cover a lung transplant. I had looked forward to attending this all spring. When I got here I realised there were more who had died than I realised. Then it dawned on me that several of them had never even reached getting listed and were on supplemental oxygen. I also saw several who I knew and hadn't expected them to be on oxygen. I have reached the point I am ready to settle for shitty and shitty plus health insurance! I have come to the conclusion if the opportunity presents itself that if I have 8 years without having to have supplemental oxygen left and can go to work for myself and do I what I love I will take the opportunity to do so! Because we all know that when you get on supplemental oxygen you cannot enjoy thing the way you would without it." And none disagreed with it. I sat down with Dave Courtney Sunday morning for breakfast. We had a frank discussion about how the loses of people effect us. He did express concern I was anti transplant  (which I am not anti). He said he was anti transplant till his son changed his mind. I also talked about the fact I spent most of the conference feeling 70% depressed because of the deaths and those on oxygen. Crushed might be a better term. He said his wife doesn't come to many of these because she knows to many of those who have passed and it's very hard on her. He also invited me out to Texas to Javlina hunt (have-a-lena). I'm pretty excited about that for two reasons. I've really wanted to and it's ussually pretty costly. Ric Logsden invited me to Kentucky to hunt as well! I had really wanted to eualigize Cindy Wilson and my sister Johanna at the informal memorial service. I was shocked to see that is was 6 times the seating and 12 times the attendance of the last one I attended. I was one of the last to speak. I would love to tell you I held my self together but, I can only say I started weak with Cindy's and ended strong with Johanna's. I also want to make mention I sat and eat dinner with a couple of alphas from Johannas beloved alphapack support group Saturday night. They ended the memorial service with thr writing called the dash linda-ellis.com/the-dash-the-dash-poem-by-linda-ellis.html.

Ok now we get to the post title!

Through out our lives we encounter many poker hands and and occassional crossroad. We all want to say we handle them well but, there are always one or two we wish we would have handled different or better. The last sixteen months hasbeen quite life changing for me and I believe enough time has lapsed I think I can be honest about some of the things Bill said and texted that will lead to some understanding about why I say some of the things I am about to express. This is not an easy post but, I don't do pretentious well. In fact I believed this would be my last post as well. I am in the midst of creating a different life for myself. It may or may not be my last post? When I saw Bill's nephews obit in out hometown paper although it saddened me such a young man had passed away and I couldn't begin to imagine his Mother grief over the loss of a child....I was relieved to find a way to communicate with Bill. I called his childhood church and asked to speak to him. The secretary of the church was very excited that someone was calling for him. the call got disconnected but, I called back. At first he was deathly silent and all of a sudden he says "Is this your number? Can I call you sometime?!" I said "Sure. You bet!". Then he suddenly says "You know I'm retired! I retired lasy year at 55! I retired early!" I had not spoken to Bill in 15 years. The last time I spoke to him his wife had woken him up to talk to me and he bit my head off for waking him up. I would have called him back but, I wasn't sure when to do so and I didn't want my head bit off again. I had called his Dads to get his phone number and his da thought nothing of me asking for it or giving it to me. He mentioned Bill's oldest daughter was coming up from Indiana to take him out fishing. For the record I have known Bill since I was 10 year old and I'm almost 52. He worked off n on for my Dad for a littl over 10 yrs. About two weeks after the funeral I was at work and had gotten a text from him. It said "This is Bill Delaney. Let's talk. I texted back and get this text saying: This would not be a good time I have company right now. We eventually swap a few more text and it's nearing Fathers day and he is OFF THE CHARTERS verbally when it comes to fathers day being off limits. There is no doubt in my mind Bill was heavilly traumatized by Chad's tragic death. 

I am getting tired. I had the flu 2nd week of Sept and I'm on meds because I never got over the congestion aspect completly and need my sleep so this is getting turned into 2 parts. G'nite!!

Triumph, Chaos & Conference

I have an update on triumph...she is doing awesome!! She and the great dane have an understanding...if he doesn't mess with her she doesn't take a swipe at him with her loan clawed front paw. She has run of the house. She is let outside 10 minutes before bed and let back inside. She has taken up stalking chickens till they turn the tables on her and begin chasing her.

Things have been pretty chaotic at work and will continue to do so. I have been looking around for a different employer. I suspect in the next few months I will be going to work for a truss company.

I didn't get after reserving a room at Loews so I will be staying at a motel 3/4 a mile down the road instead. There is a lot more to tell but, I am struggling for a way to express it tactfully. I called about being fitted for golf clubs and we decided for now I would just pick up an inexpensive set to begin with. I was gonna relearn the game of golf last year. Horribly Hilly Hundreds next year will likely be my last hurrah for big & ugly bike challenges. After that more recreational bike/hike events

Spring Mash Up

I've been spending most weekends at the cabin. I always said "I loved the process of making maple syrup". I hadn't made it in 29 years. It had always been a blanket statement. I discovered it is the process of setup and cook down I love. There is something magical to me about seeing this clear water turn into this sugary brown liquid! And the smell of the steam coming off the cooker!! You literally can smell it changing. The last time I made syrup was my first year in college. My Father had called me in probably October. He asked offered to buy me a plane ticket to spend Christmas with them and I said "Actually Dad...what I would rather do is take a raincheck and come home for Maple season." He thought about it awhile and then agreed to it. So I got to run the sapline with the old man the last year he made syrup (although I did not know it at the time). I just want to make syrup and spend time in the blue hills at the cabin. I wish Dad was here! I finally like the taste of maple syrup. I always preferred Mrs. Butterworths. Drove him crazy!! I had to walk a mile down to the cabin and back uphill. I must say that I gave serious consideration to not participating in the Horribly Hilly next year. Not because of my lungs but, because every fiber of my being ached!! I have enjoyed the cabin the most I have in 30 yrs! I have owned it 25 but, the 5 yrs leading up to it I was working to fund my college so there was never time to spend up at the cabin. Easter morning was the most amazing morning. I just wanted to sit on the back porch with bacon, eggs, wheat toast and drink 3 cups of coffee. It was just positively glorious. Hadn't experienced that since I was a teenager I bet. Now struggling between buying a range finder or buying binoculars! Looking forward to spending weekends there and learning to make fishing rods this summer on the back porch. Sure will be rough listening to the crickets, frogs, creek and whatever other wild sounds I hear.

Mirror Mirror On The Wall

Really have no specific reason I haven't posted in a long time. I've struggled w/ my sinuses since September. my dog was having eating issues and I have been doing a lot of reflecting an soul searching. Life's full of choices and many of the choices Bill made were not choices I would have made. I will never forget when he said "I don't understand you. Why don't you keep your job in the factory?". He was proud of retiring early. He did so by working 12 hr days mostly 7 days a week for 20 to 25 years. He didn't take vacations. I thought a lot about how I've lived the last 25 years. Until my Dad was diagnosed with cancer I made it to 2 or 3 concerts a year. In the last 25 years I've made it to 8. I've taken 2 vacations. I thought about how much hunting used to mean to he, Dad & I. I also finally realize what my classmates meant when they would tell me "I could walk out and be hit by a car today!"...it just meant we're not promised tomorrow. I've spent more time at the cabin in the last month than I have since Johanna quit coming up here due to health matters. I went to Pheasant fest. I talked to doctor Hogarth about big game hunting and altitude and I made maple syrup for the first time in 29 years. Bill desires were real but, his expectations were not. I am charting a new course and decided I don't want to miss a thing. I am signed up to volunteer for the Horribly Hilly Hundreds metric century so I secure my ability to compete in it next year. It is one of the Midwests most prestigious bike trek and much more difficult than the Dairyland Dare but in a cooler month. I think next year I will hire a personal trainer to try to take my athleticism to a higher level. Don't know if I can do it but, I don't know that I can't either. I know that if I don't try I will never know. Always set the bar a little higher than you think you can go or you will never know what your true capacities are.

Slowing Up

I am still having breathing issues. The food poisoning has passed for the most part but, it was humbling! I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. I can't remember the last time I said that! As a result of the strain it put on me and how difficult it was to just get up to let the dog out...I am going to give up my long time merchandising job. There is no end in sight to the 50 - 50+ hr work week. If I give up the pt job I can get more rest and when I do have an entire weekend off I can take off. I also am always wanting to spend more time with my dog. Still considering Bike The Drive.

First ever smart ph post

Have not found internet jet pack yet but, did wrap my dogs leash handle around my wrist so Holly couldn't get into too much trouble. She actually chewed on what she was given to chew on! To her credit over the last 18 months she has chewed a computer cord, CPAP cord, nebulizer cord, pair of shoes, two pair of cheater glasses, two personal cell phones and 1 work cell phone.

And I came down with food poisoning this week. I've had it happen to friends but never to me. It's not a pleasant condition and the recovery is a little different. I took two vacation days because of it. I can't afford to miss any more work in reach my goals. I went to Urgent Care on Tuesday night and I did finally have a prescription to worked on my upper respiratory issue. I got put on Avelox.

Year End Wrap

The last month and a half was BRUTAL!! I had some 20 appts in 30 days due to truck lost, car replacement, loan officer appts surrounding both, dr appts and furnace issues. I totaled my truck a wk before gun deer season. My furnace had quit working and after $1600 in parts later was running proper the day before Christmas. I was invited and attended the County Sheriff and his wife's Misfit Christmas party. I spent most of my 4 days off from the factory sleeping. My internet jetpack has come up missing so that is why I haven't posted. Usually my dog hurls up foreign objects 3 days later so I'm not convinced she consumed it. I have found neither parts of it but, have not ruled out her dropping it somewhere. I am on my 3rd round of meds. One day I feel kinda good and other days I feel run over by a Mack truck. There has been some interest in me running for town chair and recently county supervisor. In speaking with the person the current position coming up I think I might run for county supervisor. I was surprised  that no one wanted on the tourism board. I think I can provide a more meaningful impact for my community via the supervisor position.

I am thinking about upgrading to the new technologically advanced Kurt Kinetic trainer and possibly taking up mixed martial arts next yr. It all depends on overall health in the coming months.Don't expect me to post much until I get a landline into the former milkhouse ths summer.

Update

Been a devilish 3 weeks!! I am still fighting a upper respiratory bug and not giving it the smackdown I want to. The same week I tottalled my Suburban my furnace quit and that took 10 days to get fixed. If I wasn't waiting on a part I was waiting on a repairman during gun deer season. Holly and I sequestered ourselves in my bedroom Thanksgiving day. It was the first day I really got to sit and do nothing. In between it all I was emptying truck and getting that squared away. This last Monday I was finally able to move forward replacing the Suburban. Although I would have liked to replace it with another SUV or truck I replaced it with a Honda Civic. When I went in to close on the loan the loan officer didn't know how I kept up my crazy hectic schedule. The fuel economy is amazing even in Chicago commuter traffic!

I also forgot to tell you Ms Triumph did not wind up going to the home she was slated to. I had pushed back her surgery a week to give the wound more time to let the antibiotics work and remove more infection. She sailed right through surgery. The vet techs at the clinic all fell in love with her but, one especially more so than the others. They couldn't believe I wasn't keeping her. My dog sees cats as prey. Anyway I called my old classmate to explain the situation. His daughter who was originnally slated to take her in had taken another cat in and was fostering another. He just said "We just want what's best for the animal. To say the vet tech was elated is an understatement. She now has not one person she owns but, three. She has a guinea pig sister and they touch noses I hear. I think Triumph hit the rehoming jackpot!

Art Of The Ride

Who knew in November I would find myself bicycling to work??? I hit a deer 3 miles from home with my Suburban a week before opening gun deer season. My mechanic had my car keys. His daughter had his phone as hers broke just before she headed off to some high school tournament. So only option left was bike to town. When I bike I have 3 potential challenges. The temp, the humidity and the wind...hence the art of the ride. Was awake at 6am the next morning. It was 34 degrees out so I thought I would go for higher temp w/o considering wind. Oh,my! At 8am it was 40 degrees. A little nippy but, I thought no problem. Hahahaha. The wind was killer!! Took me 2 hrs to go 9.8 miles each way. I typically can cover 6.4 in 45 minutes. I didn't just have to pause a couple times but, decide which route to take. First time I hit the rack at 5:30 pm in ages!

My truck has since been totalled and I am not replacing it. I also had a furnce that wouldn't function so it has been an interesting 2 weeks. My furnace now works and am likely to replace bonneville with aToyota Yaris. Be a while before I replace SUV. I'm thinking it is going to be a Toyota Tundra or a 4runner.

Had been considering changing churches due to pastorial changes. Peace has sermons saved on vimeo. I took a look at them as well as other church I was considering. Gonna be tough to make typical church services but, think I will discuss w/ pastor Forke about a Life Group on Sunday nights. Cool think about Peace....always ways to feed and grow ones faith!

Lessons Learned........I've decided

Lessons learned....Bill infered he didn't take vacations. I have read numerous articles about the benefits of taking vacations and decided I am going to take several next year if my pocketbook will allow it. Up to 3 weeks worth!! I don't want to be like Bill thinking I missed out! It means I slow down my learning in a conventional situation but, not wholeheartedly.

My wish list:

I've wanted to go yo New York City for 34 years. I have a cousin who is a lawyer and has a clothing mfg business and lives in New York state. It has always been a pleasure visiting with him at reunions at Knarly Oaks in Argyle,WI. I've always wanted to go to art museums in NYC and a broadway play. If I go I will raise a glass of wine in Johanna & Paul's memory. They loved wine, art and theatre!

I want to visit the www.redantspants.com store in Montana. What an amazing story that lady has! I might have to see about supplemental oxygen for this one.

I want to go to Oklahoma to meet up with old college friends, eat my way across the state at all my fav eateries and visit my old alma maters! I feel a need to reconnect with  one of the sweetest parts of my past! I want to finally fish with some old friends and buddies off of Lake Eufaula dam w/ 20 pound test line for stripper bass. Wild boar hunt and maybe hunt for some other stuff,too!

I decided that I'm going to start sharing more great Dad stories because when I die nobody can accidently throw them out. My neices, nephews, sisters and brother can read them. When we die or someone we love dies we seem to become deeply reflective. I would love to tell you I was close to my Mom but, I had the most in common with my Dad!

Third additional edit. It dawned on me I didn't think about the funny story I thought about today. I thought about the day the three of us went over Comstock, Wi to Schmelke pool cue so Mom & Dad could pick out their pool cues. There was like 13 for Dad to chose from. We were up visiting the cabin. The day we were to go over there Dad was bouncing off the walls with anticipation. It was all he could think about. You need to understand my parents grew up during the depression and never had much of anything. Anyways....we get there and Dad is agonizing over the 5th tier (there were 5 tiers and the 5th was the lowest tier) of four pool cue designs. I see a nicer one in the next tier. I suggest it to Dad. It doesn't cost much more but, he sticks to that lowest tier. I kid you not he took 20 minutes to make up his mind. I'm proud to say I have his custom made pool cue. My mechanic got the rotor changed Dads 83 Ford 3/4 ton. I didn't have the strenth anymore to loosen some of the bolts.We're gonna have Dads truck running and in my machine shed by gun deer season!

My dominant focus for the next 8 months is become debt free except for the mortgage, make maple syrup from running a 400 tap sugarbush and get construction projects done. Thinking of the house remodel....when Dad was remodeling the farmhouse I grew up in...a couple rooms had peices of sheetrock in them with who did the remodel and the date. So, Dad decided in addition to them he would put a peice in with who did the current remodel and who it was. I plan to do the same thing!

Seasons of Change....Keeping Up With Triumph

Bill and I have gone our seperate ways. Every time I thought the communication was over he would communicate. It was the last response which made no sense that really sealed the deal. He is emotionally unstable. At no time during our 4 month foray did I get the impression he was happy. He hated the Indiana heat and he had sudden mood swings. He is a changed man. Why? I will never know. He clearly revered my Father and used to call him for advice in his personal life. It mattered to Bill that my Dads old truck was inside a building at one point. He said he and Dad were friends but, he kept calling him respectfully Mr. Schwalbe. He was like a homing pigeon to my folks house when he returned to our hometown to visit years ago. I hope Bill can find some semblance of peace during his retirement. I suspect the UAW or his job he had at GM has a lot to do with his current mental state. Either way I will take the good that came out of the situation and forget the bad.

I've been to Chicago and met with Dr Song. I am anticipating a August breast reconstruction so I will not be competing in the Dairyland Dare next yr but, I am hoping to volunteer at the Horribly Hilly Hundreds next June to secure my spot in the 2018 Horribly Hilly.

I've been quite busy with work and have been batlling what I believe to be a viral infection. I did miss a day merchandising last Saturday due to my lungs being so tight. The next day things got better! My furnace is on the fritz and that's my project tomorrow to remove a vent fan motor and get that replaced and see if that is what's wrong or whether it is the other motor. Already replaced the capacitor.

Triumph had an excellent checkup last Friday. The vet asked the vet tech if the weigh was real she told him it was! Two weeks ago Triumph had weighed 3 lbs. Under my care she has gained a whooping 1.4 pounds!! She is no longer skin & bones. The infection and swelling has finally abated. She is fat & sassy!! She is slated to go into surgery this coming Monday to remove what is left of the front left leg. On top of that before we left the vet tech said "Let me know if plan A doesn't work out." So in otherwards if for whatever reason the first forever home placement doesn't work she has a terrific second chance elsewhere. Oh, and she tested negative for feline leukemia/HIV. Pretty proud of that little stinker!

Pushing Through The Grind and Triumph

Continueing to push through the daily grind of factory work. The new HR manager is still anxious for me to return to college but, as I explained to him I am in the midst of several construction projects which typically we underestimate. I have explored more about online learning but, have just enough info to get me in trouble. I want to take a course next spring at the local uw system college but, time and money vs construction playing a defining role in the decision. Struggling w/ seasonal sinus mucus build up right now.

Good news for Triumph the injured kitty. She was a trooper about her first car ride. She went to the vet today and has been put on meds. The staff at the local biz flipped when I mentioned talking to animal shelter mngr about a foster. They howled NO!!!They'll put her down!!!!!

So she remains in familiar surroundings w/ upgraded digs that meet her approval. Kitty crate w/ warm soft t-shirts to lay on. A vacationing staff member will likely happily foster her after she is healthy enough for surgery. She feasted on somebody's left over pollock tonight! My old classmate who has a huge CSA in Beloit volunteered to set up a go fund me page for her! I am technologically challenged. His daughter will eventually be her forever cat Mom. Her pet pomeraian just tore his doggie equivalent of an ACL so she is currently financially taxed.

No Time

Well, thegravy train is over. Back to 65-70 hr work weeks for about 7 wks. Forgot to mention I stepped on the scale at the fitness center and I have not gained as I originally thought. Triump might have gotten the short end of the stick. Had a good home set up for her and the cafe manager had this song and dance routine about she had a new home where the person did her own vet care. The father of the girl who was to receive it is going to call and see if this situation can be rectified. My old classmate will be much calmer than me.

Started the new merchandising job yesterday. Plan to keep it long enough to kill off one partitcular bill and then it's gone. The dynamics of the team is a bit of a strain.

Great Expectations

That was what my Father had for his children. Bill had talked about how Dad had wanted him to be a toolmaker in a real bad way. He had wanted me to pursue a business degree shortly after I graduated high school. I signed up for a couple classes at the local UW systems school. I endured it for one semester to appease him but, failed miserably! Dad could be one of the most enthuisiastic people I knew. I think in both Bill and my situation he didn't present it in a way that truly sold either one of us on the idea. Throw back moment to 7th grade...."Kate, I think you should be a veternarian or heart surgeon.". Why Dad? "Because you are so good with animals and people.".

Fast forward 32 years later and I'm sold on the idea. I finally explored where I was at academically at Oklahoma State when I dropped out a year after Dad died. I am planning to return to college in 2017 sometime. I spoke to the new human resources manager at work about tuition reimbursement. He had said that the company will cover up to $2000 a year. They have a policy in place to reimburse up to 75%. He had thought maybe he could convince them to reimburse up to 100% but, I think policy is policy. The HR manager also was encouraging me to take to courses a semester. At first I wasn't too keen on that idea until I started doing hr crunching and thought back to all the things I did while paying for what was going to be a bachelors in animal science. Oh my God! The things I did to avoid student loans and cash flow college!! During the summers I worked two jobs and picked up odd jobs in between. At Eastern I worked on the school ranch, worked part time on a stocker operation and then every week there was a school dance. The night of the dance I would study for 4 hours till 10pm, sleep 4 hrs and then go collect all the beer cans on campus. Back then aluminum was $.75/lb. I paid for my tuition with the can money. I wish I could have gone to the basketball games. I remember washing dishes at some stockyard, working at a private country club and working the world quarter horse show. At Oklahoma State before Dad got sick I worked at McDonalds off of McElroy st 39 hrs a wk. Sometimes I would also work at the lone chimney Mickey D's location on the Cimarron turnpike, too.

It has taken me a while to find a school that offered a sales and marketing degree online that a working person could take. If I take two classes a semester I should be able to complete my degree in 4.5 years. I am pursueing the degree for two or three reasons. One I need something positive to focus on after Bill, Two because of three strikeout w/ high school grads I am starting to think a college graduate may have more intestinal fortitude for a relationship. And possibly fullfillment of a lost dream of a bachelors degree. I just remember years ago I wanted that bachelors in animal science so bad I could just taste it!! The experiences in Oklahoma I would not trade for anything in the world. I had classmates that used to tell me you are one of the most determined people in the world I know. If anybody can accomplish it you can!! I could never do what you have done!

Triumph and Defeat

Triumph the kitty who showed up at the local cafe with part of her front leg gone and bone showing has come around to trustung the staff and some of the regulars. We are looking into medical care for her. it has taken about 4 wks to gain her trust.

Defeated by a rusty nail while reclaiming barn boards from my collapsed barn. One tetanus shot later and I was back on the job. I'll be glad when that is done. Finally made it back into the fitness center for the first time in weeks. I gained 3.5 lbs. That will go away soon. Have been so busy with work or the barn or something else. Gotta get up Holly pigeon house SOON!

Life Goes On

That was what Bill texted to me midway through our 3 month interaction after a 25 yr sabbattical of communication. We were basically on loan to on another to prepare each other for something. Sometimes in life we are placed in anothers life for a short period of time. It is to prepare them for something or for them to prepare us for something. I think we helped each other achieve a new level of enlightenment. Bill said his way of thinking has changed completely since he was 35. In reality his view point changed 18 months after he left our hime town. He just didn't notice. He has a different view point of achieving retirement. He did come to realise retirement was what you make it but, he also came to realise he didn't want a romatic relationship. I came to realise that sometimes educational backgrounds really can impact ones perception of how life plays out. He thought since his Dad wasn't going to pay for education beyond high school he had to join the work force. I grew up knowing despite being a fulltime special ed student in second grade I was expected to go to college and pay for it myself. In the beginning I wasn't too thrilled with the idea of paying for my college. Took me one semester to realise my Dad gave me power that he was going to have to bite his tongue about. I paid for my tuition and he couldn't stop the check when I signed up for something he didn't want me to sign up for!

Bill & I care about each other but, he moved on. He worked 12 hr days the better part of 35 yrs for GM. He had two failed marriages to his credit. If anybody was going to understand him saying "You get used to them." it was going to be me. I just explained to another co worker why I work 7 days a wk. Most of my co-workers don't know how I do it and think I am crazy!! It is not expected to be a long term thing but, a short term thing to achieve a specific fianacial goal. I am a big www.daveramsey.com fan! Bill brought back a flood of memories of my Dad that I am soooo grateful to him for bringing back. I explained to Bill early on that my Dad was my best friend. He thought he got it but, I don't think he truly got it till I texted things Dad had taught me over the yrs. To me my Dad was my best friend because he taught me to raise the bar higher than I ever thought I could reach. He instilled good manners and good values in me. He also told me things to watch out for in a partner that would serve me well long after he was gone. He instilled a zest for life in all of us! He was strict but, he loved me from the top of his head to the very tip of his toes!

I don't know if I lost anymore weight. I had a couple of heat exhaustion moments in the last couple weeks. I am starting to reconsider participating in the Dairyland Dare. I still want a smokin hot body by next spring. I just renewed my fitness membership Friday for 3 more months but, I have been working outside salvaging a falling down barn. I am still wrestling with myself over whether to start a website for my forest products biz or to just settle for a facebook presence over the next 8 months.

Looking Back....Moving Forward

Looking back Bill has changed a lot over the years. Although he still possess some goodness...not as much as he once did. I can't see us as a couple. If we ever became a couple no one would be more stunned than me! We are most likely to be casual friends. What I mean by this is we might talk once or twice a year. It's really important to me to be equally yoked w/ someone. My faith is very important to me. Outside of weddings and funerals I doubt he has stepped inside a church in years. My POA is disappointed. She has wanted to see me married in the worst way for 29 years.

Went shopping for new athletic cloths for spin/yoga. For a bit on Friday I thought I had gone to Chicago (I can blow money there!!). When all said and done spent almost $200. It's actually pretty girly looking stuff. My sisters would be shocked!! And ate a healthy meal out and found a lower cost but, aggressive personal trainer. I really want to do well in the Dairyland Dare. I have continued to lose about 2 pounds a week. Only 34 to go. Spin class left my calves sore till yesterday and I was surprised even the yoga left me sore.

Currently reading "Glittering Vices" and "How People Grow".

Desires Of The Heart Revisited

Well, on my way to the gym last night I heard "Jasmine" by Carole King playing. Then I smelled oak smoke and thought of my sister Johanna. We had some good times at the cabin in the last years of her life. I don't remember if that track was off the tapestry album but, I do remember her saying it was one of her favorites by her. I don't remember when I gave her the cd but, I do remember giving it to her and the joy in her voice!

I realised between going to the gym and working out I really don't want a romantic relationship for a year. I really want to just get in phenomenal shape mentally and physically. So I go home and find Psalms 37:4. It reads- Delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. So either I didn't remember it right or Karen didn't express the concept right either way what an amazing scripture!

I've started doing strength training. Hurt a lot and am down 24% of goal weight lose. Had a wonderful conversation with Bill tonight. We agreed we should do so more often and learned he isn't any crazier about texting than me. Just has crummy cell ph reception where he lives. Best conversation I have had with him since my Dads funeral. He was very special to Dad. He was so special he sat with us during the funeral service. Bill and I have quite a bit in common.