Epilogue

For over 18 months I couldn't get back into my email that was associated with this page. This morning I decided to attempt to get back into this page. Obviously I succeeded.

I struggle with how to describe where I'm at 3 years after my experience with Bill. It was a bizarre, bittersweet couldn't make it up if I tried type of experience. I'm in a good place but, the experience changed me. When I called the church to express my condolences what I had expected Bill to say was "Kate thanks for calling. I got to get back to my family." It seemed to me that the lady who answered the phone at his childhood Church must have remembered the sweet down friendly caring Bill. She was so enthused to reconnect us.!  I am heartbroken but, grateful for the trip down memory lane. The hardest part of all is the fact is outside of my mother Bill was the only other person I had shared memories of my father with. My four older siblings were married with lives of their own.  Three times Bill told me ever so proudly he worked 12-hour days mostly 7 days a week for 20-25 years so he could retire early at 55. Each time he said that all I heard was I neglected my former wife and children for 20-25 years so I could retire early I'm so proud of that. That was quite shocking to me. I spoke to my pastor about it and he said that after a death people do strange things. I spoke to a retired co-worker who was a maintenance man like Bill had been . He said he'd spoken to a lot of people like that. For some people there's a three-year let down so to speak. For others they stopped working for a year and they don't know what to do with their self and they go back to work. For others they're never quite the same again. I googled emotionally unstable shortly after things ended with Bill. I didn't want to hear that he had a split personality or multiple personalities. I read about  the rapid speech, the pitch changes and the dramatic mood swings that I'd experienced firsthand where indicative of someone who is emotionally unstable. There are about a half a dozen potential causes but,  when you work long hours for several years at a time that burns up your serotonin which controls your mood.  A sudden tragic death can bring on emotional instability and some people that go through that are never quite right ever again. I also learned about helicopter moms and I firmly believe after dad passed away that's what happened to my mother. My pastor and I spoke about that and he said...and I agree with it....helicopter moms mean well. They have great intentions but, in the end they're very destructive. They rush ahead to fix everything and make everything perfect. l don't have a beautiful closing but I can tell you that the trip down memory lane was very healing. I started locking in all my vacation every year because it was very obvious in my conversation with Bill that he hadn't taken any of his and I didn't want to become like him. The last two years I've spent probably more time at the cabin that  my family and I built when I was 3 years old than I have in the last 25 years leading up to it. I ve enjoyed it the most I have since about four years before my dad passed. I'm the calmest I've been since before my dad made me his power of attorney when he was dying of cancer and I got up 3 times during the night to get him situated. And came home in the middle of the day to help him get dressed for radiation treatment and went back to work, came home and sat with him & talked with him. For years I had wondered what happened to that person I was beforehand and a how do I become her again. To this day I have never forgotten coming home from work and answering the phone in an age where answering machines weren't the norm yet. My mother said " I knew if I kept calling sooner or later you would pick up the phone. Something  has happened to your Dad.  We need you to come up to Edgerton community hospital. Do you know where that is? We need you to sign a couple of papers. I remember signing the power of attorney papers. I was 25 years old and the youngest of five children. I recall signing it and thinking to myself I'm not sure I'm ready for this. It was the greatest honor but the most difficult  responsibility you will have to assume. Dr Hogarth told me in January 2017 I didn't have to worry about supplemental oxygen probably till I'm sixty. I found out where my 5th grade language arts teacher lives and sometime in the not-too-distant future Mrs. Deeg is going to get a beautiful bouquet of flowers! Triumph the cat got renamed Trinity and she's the most beloved cat in the world. Right now is not the season for my tails trails and tales website...however I believe in the not-too-distant future it will come back to life. The biggest reason I wanted the website was it would force me to spend more time outside to hunt,fish  and  the trap. Christmas 2017 I bought myself a snowmobile and today I go look at a four-wheel drive quad. I am thankful Bill reminded me how much I used to dearly love to hunt. In February I have my first hunt scheduled to Texas for javelina and wild hog. In conclusion I believe my dash has improved.